battles, memories head and heart ( 4 )

Part four.

There is no other world than this.
Curled naked around you, my head in the hollow of your chest , your heartbeat the only music i need. Limbs entwined like a Rodin sculpture, the breeze from an open window tickling my spine. The taste of you on my lips, the feel of you, the smell of you. Everywhere is you.
If i were to die tonight, i would die happy. All i need is here in this room.
My heart is happy.
My soul is singing.
I am truely home.

battles, memories, head and heart (3)

Part three.

So we meet again, and we walk and we talk about the people we loved and lost, but never about us. And we stand by the same lake we stood at a thousand times before all those years ago, neither of us talking. My hand finds yours the same way it always did. Your fingers encircle mine  like a long lost glove and for a moment i forget to breath..

I can't look at you, not yet. I watch the lake for a while. then i feel you squeeze my hand gently so i glance your way. A raised eye brow from you and a nod and a smile from me are all that are needed. Not words. We don't need words.

I turn back to the lake to watch the boats sail across it, as the sun warms my back and your presence warms my side. Another squeeze from your hand and your fingers pull away from mine. A lump forms in my throat but i swallow it down. I hear you say my name and turn to face you, but before i can speak both your arms are around me, and my face is hidden in your shoulder. I can feel your breath on my neck as i hold onto you for dear life and breath you in as if you were the last breath of air i was ever going to take.

It doesn't matter about the boats on the lake, or the dog walkers, or the families out for an afternoon stroll. the only thing that matters is you and i and this bubble that we are clinging onto like two limpets clinging onto a rock in the ocean, as the waves crash around us.
"stay with me." i hear you murmur into my neck.
I know that i am lost and for these few all too brief moments i don't want to be found.

Battles, memories, head and heart (2)

Part Two.

Then it begins, The seemingly innocent messages that mean nothing. The little how are you texts, that end in a kiss instead of a question mark. Those how was your day questions that only you ask. I won't tell you how i am. I can't tell you how i feel. I'm clinging onto reality one fingernail at a time, while you with every kind word dangle unreachable possibilities in front of my face.

"maybe we can meet and catch up." you say.

i manage to type,

" what would people think :). " jokingly even though my hands are shaking.

" so let's give them something to talk about xx." comes the next message.

I think i've stopped breathing. I feel like a clumsy teenager again, all shaking hands and raging hormones.

"Meaning x " i have managed to type one word while my insides do flips waiting for a reply.

"What ever you want it to mean xx." comes the cryptic reply.

Bloody games.

Every waking moment i'm trying to forget you. Putting clothes away i find one of your t shirts stuffed at the back of a drawer out of sight. i resist the urge to take it out and sniff it just incase it smells of you. I close the drawer so quickly i nearly trap my fingers in it.

That night i dream that i'm lying in a bubble bath. I open my eyes and there you are sitting on the floor at the end of the bathroom watching me. You tell me that you've missed me. I can sense that there are other people in the house, but when i wake next morning the only thing i remember is you.

My mind is playing a dangerous game. I'm not sure how i will survive this without breaking.

battles, memories, head and heart.(1)

Part One,


I never thought i would see you again, and yet there you were, and there we were. So here i am now now with a head full of unanswered thoughts and mixed emotions, sitting headphones in, pen in hand listening to two steps from hell. Seems fitting doesn't it two steps from hell. It's just where i am between there and a large pile of everest like ironing. Damn you. Damn me. Damn the world to hell.

I can't remember a thing about it. The whole meeting is a blur. What we said doesn't matter, it was all just pleasantries. The usual strangers who bump into each other on the odd occasion and politely inquire about the family type stuff. It meant nothing. Trying to sit on a tidal wave of pent up emotion while holding a conversation, that's different. Wanting to reach across the table we sat at and touch you nearly became my undoing. Thank god for the large mug of tea that stopped me and gave me something to hold onto. Tea once again you have saved me. i have to stop now. Stop and do something else. I can't keep remembering someone i spent too long trying to forget.